A pessimist sees difficulties in every opportunity, an optimist sees opportunities in every difficulty. A realist just goes for coffee.

JJJ

The early bird catches the worm.

JJJ

If you give a man a piece of meat, he will go to bed well-fed.

And if you give him two bottles of vodka, he will go to bed dressed.

JJJ

It's time to lose weight - that's when you bought a hoop, and it fits you perfectly.

JJJ

I'm in the prime of my decline.

JJJ

Advertisement: "Who lost an iPhone 6 in the center today? I also need a charger and a password."

JJJ

A zookeeper calls a veterinarian:

An elephant is coughing.
What to do?

Add a glass of vodka to the bucket of water you give the elephant.
The next day, the zookeeper tells the veterinarian:

The cough has gone away, but the other elephants have started coughing.

JJJ

Hello! Am I in the right place?
No, you've come to the wrong place. Should I send you where you need to go?
JJJ

- Yes, Sharik. You're a useful dog!

- Give us a ride, big turtles!

Vovochka, how did your parents meet?
In the village, at a disco!
How romantic!
Nothing special, just mom didn't dance, and dad asked her to help push the tractor.
JJJ

Darling, don't you notice anything?
No, why?
I was in a beauty salon.
So what...?
It was closed...
JJJ

Usually at weddings they steal the bride, but my mother-in-law was stolen.

Were there no more expensive

presents?

JJJ

Oh, darling, look - chairs for dwarfs!
Yeah, Lucy, you're not ready for children at all.
JJJ

Waiter, I've been waiting for the aspic for two hours!
Okay, okay, why are you so nervous, they've already put it on to cook!
JJJ

A tourist asks a local:

Can you tell me how to get to this mountain quickly?
The local looks thoughtfully at the tourist, then at the mountain and says:

Would you like me to untie the dog?
JJJ

Remember 2012, when the End of the World was supposed to happen?
Yeah, those were good times!..
JJJ

Olya, do you know English?
I do.
What is welcome?
A doormat.
JJJ

The speed of sound is a strange thing. Your parents tell you something when you're 20, but it only sinks in when you're 40.